THE GUIDING PRINCIPLES OF HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP BUILDING
How we restore and maintain balance in our lives makes a difference.
B.E.S.T., the Sornik model for healthy relationship building, was created by Melissa Sornik and accentuates four fundamental elements crucial for cultivating resilience and healthy relationships across various environments including home, school, social community and the workplace. The model was created to address observed patterns of interactional behaviors that cause disequilibrium or imbalance within families, as well as in other environments. B.E.S.T. consists of four basic elements that can be implemented with both neurotypical and neurodivergent individuals.
THE FOUR ELEMENTS OF THE B.E.S.T. MODEL
1. Boundaries
What are boundaries, and why are they key to resilience and healthy relationships?
Boundaries protect and preserve our emotional well-being and personal feelings.
Boundaries remind us where we, and others, stop and start.
For the self, and for others, well defined boundaries provide:
privacy, responsibility, personal space, predictability, self-respect, mutual respect, and the notion of what is yours as opposed to what is others.
Boundaries can protect us from getting caught up in the difficulties and over-reactions of others.
Boundaries help us to respect the thoughts, feelings and options of others and stop us from making dismissive or belittling remarks.
Boundaries give us permission to say “no.”
Personal life experiences, including past dysfunctional relationships, can impact one’s ability to recognize, set, and enforce boundaries.
When boundaries are not maintained, experiences of exploitation, manipulation and violation of privacy and personal space occur.
Poor boundaries can lead to confusion about who “owns” the problem, and who is responsible for solving the problem.
Poor boundaries can sabotage growth opportunities by rescuing or taking control rather than allowing for mistakes, failures, and learning.
Adequate and appropriate boundaries change over time, and will need to be adjusted. This requires thoughtfulness and flexibility as relationships grow and change. Self-awareness, mutual respect, vulnerability and, overcoming personal fears support the establishment of healthy boundaries that foster supportive, respectful, and balanced relationships. Effective communication supports this process.
2. Effective Communication
What is effective communication, and why is it important to develop and sustain positive, productive and healthy relationships?
Effective communication is the successful conveyance and reception of messages in a way that is mutually understood and results in an intended outcome.
Effective communication includes a variety of aspects.
It is clear, simple and free of ambiguity. It is also concise, coherent, empathic, logical, and consistent. It includes active listening, is encouraging of feedback for confirmation, and requires attention to nonverbal communication (body language, tone of voice, facial expression).
Effective communication features clear and succinct language, helps to prevent misunderstandings and errors, and strengthens relationships by increasing trust, understanding, and mutual respect, which allows for progress in personal and professional interactions.
Effective communication supports problem-solving, allowing for an open and free exchange of ideas and perspectives, which are critical for conflict resolution and decision making.
Effective communication boosts confidence and collaboration when individuals are heard and validated, and ideas are valued.
Effective communication fosters the acquisition and practice of skills for achieving personal, educational and professional needs and goals.
Effective communication creates inspirational and motivational leaders.
Effective communication supports and promotes positive group collaboration.
Practicing effective communications requires that we pay attention to our own feelings, state of mind, attitudes, assumptions, triggers and knee-jerk reactions.
When effective communication is maintained, personal and professional relationships can be improved and enhanced. Understanding its components, noticing and dealing with barriers in a positive manner, and implementing strategic improvements, increases opportunities to achieve better outcomes in interactions. It also promotes opportunities for individuals to be seen and heard.
3. See the Person in Front of You
What does it mean to “see the person in front of you” or, to recognize, consider, respect and honor the individuality of others, especially when they may not be in sync with ourselves?
See the person in front of you means that you acknowledge the uniqueness and differences in personality, talents, ideas and interests.
See the person in front of you means that you notice and respect perspectives and worldviews that may differ from your own.
See the person in front of you means that you can accept others as they are, and with a non-judgmental attitude, rather than trying to change, fix or fit them into a particular mold.
See the person in front of you means validating and respecting the feelings and experiences of others even if they differ from your own feelings or experiences.
See the person in front of you means you can create a safe space in which others may express opinions and feelings freely.
See the person in front of you is the ability to freely encourage others to develop their potential in the pursuit of their interests and talents.
See the person in front of you means showing genuine interest and respect. This helps individuals feel valued and confident in themselves, increases their self-esteem and promotes emotional wellbeing, rather than creating feelings of alienation or depression.
See the person in front of you includes observing, respecting and encouraging the individuality of others. This includes affirming their identity and neurodivergence, and promoting initiative and self-actualization.
See the person in front of you can be demonstrated by paying attention to what others say, validating their feelings and showing genuine interest, understanding, empathy, flexible thinking, inclusion and encouragement.
When we see the person in front of us as an individual, rather than an extension of ourselves, we build foundations of compassion, inclusivity and the celebration of diversity rather than shame, anger, resentment and withdrawal. When we have difficulty acknowledging and appreciating differences in others, or if we come to believe that only one outcome is acceptable, it may be time to take a break.
4. Take a Break
Why is disengagement and taking breaks essential to maintaining healthy relationships?
Taking a break prevents the burnout that occurs when constant stressful or negative interaction becomes a regular pattern or reinforcement of such behavior.
Taking a break encourages self-awareness and self-reflection which can promote personal growth and assessment of needs, goals and a different view of relationship(s).
Taking a break reduces conflict by defusing escalating tensions that may become unmanageable and may also have an impact on others who share the environment (workplace, classroom, family space).
Taking a break promotes autonomy and growth by providing individuals the opportunity to practice self-control and self-advocacy. Developing the ability to remove oneself from unhealthy, recurring interactions helps to avoid dependence on habitual negative interactions in which there is an attempt to take control, take power or “win.”
Taking a break creates a distance that can promote feelings of appreciation and valuing of the positive aspects of a relationship, rather than reinforcing negative feelings.
Taking a break can alleviate stress, anxiety and other mental health triggers that may come up due to constant negative interactions or unresolved conflicts.
Taking a break provides time for re-evaluation of the relationship and situation. It can help us appreciate the size of the problem, as well as the size of the reaction.
Taking a break provides time for a cool-down and reset. It promotes the skills of self-regulation.
Strategies for healthy disengagement include:
communicating the needs for a break and making sure that those involved understand and agree on the purpose, duration and goals for break time
setting clear boundaries about what constitutes acceptable communication and expectations when returning to the problem-solving process
taking time to reflect on the relationship, identification of repeat patterns, and coming up with ways of changing those patterns
maintaining mutual respect and avoiding negative behaviors that may include, insulting, admonishing, badmouthing, blaming, shaming and other inflammatory, relationship-damaging behaviors
creating a plan for re-engagement that reflects upon what happened and what changes can be made to improve or avoid such situations going forward
Taking a break in relationships is critical for maintaining individual well-being and the overall health of the relationship. Taking a break provides time for self-reflection, personal growth, and conflict resolution. Setting clear boundaries, open communication, and a focus on self-care, offers individuals time and space to effectively improve their relationships and personal lives.