Endless Phone Calls from School

by May Pino

Recently, I was talking to a mom who said, “Most families drop their kids off at school and continue their lives. But that is not the case when parenting a 2e kid!”

For me, that statement hit the nail on the head. There is a divide that exists between parents of typical and neurodivergent kids that can seem as wide as the Grand Canyon. 

A run-of-the-mill parenting morning might involve sending your kiddo off to school and then going on to whatever your day might hold, safe in the knowledge that your learner is happily ensconced in class. Ask almost any parent of an atypical kid, and you will likely find they dream of inhabiting this experience. In reality, they most likely approach drop-off with trepidation, hoping their kid will leave the house and eventually pass through the front doors of school without incident.

From the start, I, and many other parents I have met with atypical kids, had big hopes when we first enrolled our kids in kindergarten. When I imagined taking my little person to elementary school for the first time, there might be some tears and fears. Who wouldn’t struggle with such a big transition? But eventually, I thought, they would settle in and love it. After all, the intellectual promise of their first 5 years made me think they would thrive in this environment! I hoped they would get into the swing of things, make friends — and macaroni art! — all while soaking in new lessons and adventures! I assumed that as they progressed through elementary school, they would read, write, and do math with gusto, then play kickball and tag during recess, surrounded by laughter and friendship. I had visions of my spouse and I enjoying visits to the classroom for special occasions, and that we could address any issues with a quick word at drop-off/pick-up or during routine parent-teacher conferences.

Wow, doesn’t that sound so idyllic?

“Parenting a child with unexpected behavior and unmet needs means you cannot just get on with your routine. You spend your day with an undercurrent of dread, waiting for “the call.””

That is not the experience with our kids. To this day, my heart races when I recall how differently things turned out for us – and for so many other parents of kids like mine that I have met over the years. The school experience still boggles my mind, even years after being done with it. Sometimes, it is hard to pinpoint where it all started to stray from my expected plan. Was it pre-school, when the calls started coming in that my gregarious child was hitting classmates? I suspected difficulty with pragmatic speech and the frustration of being unable to advocate for themselves. Maybe it was kindergarten when the teacher’s calls informed me that my child refused to “get their wiggles out” before floor time. She reported that our little human had told her they didn’t “have any wiggles that need getting out.” It could have been first grade when the guidance counselor called, suggesting our child needed an evaluation because they were not “living up to their potential.”  Calls from their second-grade teacher informed us that our child ran out of the room every time she assigned a writing project. Thinking it over, though, maybe things were not that difficult until third grade when the principal called because of a lengthy meltdown ensued when our child could not show their work on a math test.

Parenting a child with unexpected behavior and unmet needs means you cannot just get on with your routine. You spend your day with an undercurrent of dread, waiting for “the call.” Hearing from school could be anything from a request that you come in for a meeting, again, to an in-school suspension, or being told that your kiddo has locked themselves in a bathroom stall embarrassed over a social interaction gone awry, or the worst - the demand that you come pick up your kiddo immediately. The expectation causes crushing anxiety.

Parents of unexpected kids constantly worry that EVERY phone call they receive during school hours is from a teacher or, worse, the guidance counselor, or horrifyingly, when things get really bad, the principal. It’s like that 80’s horror movie — He Knows You’re Alone! And you know what, you do feel so alone. You think you are the only family struggling with a child who is not behaving in ways the school seems able to handle.

After speaking with many parents in similar situations, I realized there is a particular kind of stress in our experience. The sound of a ringing phone would trigger thoughts that my day was about to be disrupted, made me feel inept and judged, and instilled a fear that I might be fired for leaving work early again. And then there was the realization that my child was being failed by a system that is supposed to educate and empower them. Most troubling was the idea that there were few options for an unexpected kiddo.

Does this all sound familiar? Does your heart skip a beat when the phone rings?

I know I did not provide any hard and fast solutions in this post, but I hope that by sharing what I and my fellow parents have been through, you will know you are not alone. There are others out there who know this experience and who can empathize. You are not a bad parent. Your child’s unexpected experience in school is no more your fault — or theirs — than the color of their hair or the pitch of their hearty laugh. Their unpredictable behavior can be a superpower, but our schools must learn to work effectively with our kids and collaborate effectively with us parents. And everyone needs to be willing to learn. These are no small tasks, but in the meantime, know that you belong to a secret community of nonjudgmental, compassionate, parents. So, hang in there, reach out for support, and keep on keeping on.

May Pino is a parent of two children who are gifted and twice-exceptional, who advocates and raises awareness for the needs of twice-exceptional children.